Thursday, 5 November 2015

5 O'clock in the morning

Ok, maybe not so much 5 o'clock - 21 minutes past 8 in the morning, think i managed about an hour and a half maybe 2 hours sleep last night. My head is fucked! My days of pulling all nighters are seriously long gone. I put the bleach in the fridge and the milk on the windowsill - getting the picture? I have a feeling I'm going to crash and burn at some point today, possibly be comatose til tomorrow morning.

I don't even know where to begin, the start would be a good idea but but everything is so blurred i lost the start lol. In the shortest space of time I've gone to both ends of the emotional scale and back again it doesn't seem real. Or that it should be even capable. You know that feeling, the complete high that makes you kinda want to hit the pause button and just have it over and over again and the right down to wanting the ground to open up and swallow you hole. Um, i mean whole. It would be a hole swallowing you but not the right hole i meant.

The tiny piece of rationality that i try my hardest to cling on to, and so often leaves me stranded, would probably have kept me from laying my cards on the table and leaving me completely stripped of, um, whats the word? I don't know , my heads not quite working yet. But, when i need rationality the most, guess what, it fucking does one and leaves me a mess. Understatement right there. So here's the bit I'm at a loss with, don't know how why or whatever other question you can throw at it.
After crying it out - as you do, for god knows how long, long enough to make my pillow soggy and my body to shut down and sleep, thinking about it, i don't feel as bad about it as i should? I trust whats been said. I don't feel like it's just a line being spun to keep options open. That's never happened before. I don't know how to process that. I'm ok with it because whats been said to me, i believe it and it is enough.

A long time I've been around in SL, no, not bike been around just been on the grid. Nothing is a comparison on right now. Does that make this crazy rollercoaster the real deal? I don't know. It doesn't really matter what the answer to that is. Something I've learned, but always seem to push to the back of my head until I'm reminded again is I'm not made to be with someone. Simple as that lol. I was designed to be a hopeless romantic as Missy put it.
Where is my girl when i need her - pretty sure she has a spare pair of slippers and a drink or two floating around! Wait, i know where she is, that damn thing called RL lol stole her for a while. Oh well, looks like I'll have to ride this one out on my own or blow up her skype.
Yo missaay! Bring the ice cream and bottles.

1 thing i do know, or I'm at least aware of, is that despite not getting my own way ( yes, i have a bratty side) i still haven't been in a happier place before. So its not really a loss, is it? Hmmm. Maybe, i don't know, but i don't want to give up something that is just so...

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